onair

Chapter 9

December came fast.

The first snow fell the week before Christmas, big soft flakes that covered the backyard in white. Louisa ran outside in her snow boots and her pink coat, catching them on her tongue, yelling that the sky was raining sugar.

Elmer came over that afternoon with a Christmas tree tied to the top of his old truck.

We set it up in the living room, drinking hot cocoa while Louisa hung every single ornament on the bottom three branches. Elmer didn’t move any of them. He just hung the lights and the star on top and told her it was the most beautiful tree he’d ever seen.

That night, after Louisa was asleep, we sat on the couch watching the tree lights blink.

We didn’t kiss. We didn’t hold hands.

But we sat close enough that our shoulders touched.

And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel the need to pull away.

Christmas morning was perfect.

Louisa woke us up at 6 a.m., jumping on the bed, yelling that Santa had come. She tore open her presents—an art easel from me, a bike with training wheels from Elmer, a dollhouse from Mia and my mom. She rode her bike around the living room in her socks, crashing into the couch, laughing so hard she could barely breathe.

That night, after she fell asleep surrounded by wrapping paper and new toys, Elmer helped me clean up.

When we were done, he stood by the front door, holding his coat.

“Thank you,” he said. “For letting me be here. For letting me be her dad.”

“You’re a good dad, Elmer,” I said.

He smiled.

“Good night, Joanna,” he said.

“Good night,” I said.

He paused for a second, like he wanted to say more.

Then he turned and walked out.

January came.

Louisa turned four on the twelfth.

We planned a small party at the house—just Mia, my mom, Elmer, and Louisa’s two best friends from preschool, Lily and Jake.

I baked a chocolate cake with pink frosting and little chocolate teddy bears on top. Elmer blew up fifty pink balloons and taped them all over the living room. My mom made her famous mac and cheese. Mia brought a pinata shaped like a unicorn.

The morning of the party, Louisa stood in front of the mirror for twenty minutes while I did her hair.

Her curls were long and thick now, falling past her shoulders. I brushed them out, then parted them down the middle and tied two big pigtails with pink satin ribbons.

She turned her head side to side, grinning so wide her dimples showed.

“Am I pretty, Mommy?” she said.

“You’re the prettiest girl in the whole world,” I said, and I meant it.

The party was chaos in the best way.

The kids ran around screaming, hitting the pinata until candy exploded all over the living room. They ate so much cake and ice cream I thought they’d burst. Louisa opened her presents one by one, gasping at every single one, even the socks my mom had gotten her.

When it was time to blow out the candles, we all sang Happy Birthday.

Louisa closed her eyes tight, squeezed her little hands into fists, and made a wish.

Then she blew as hard as she could.

All four candles went out on the first try.

Everyone cheered.

Later, after the guests had left, after Louisa had crashed on the couch in a sugar coma surrounded by her new toys, Elmer and I stood by the kitchen counter, eating leftover cake.

He pulled a small velvet box out of his pocket and slid it across the counter to me.

I frowned. “Elmer, you didn’t have to get me anything.”

“Open it,” he said.

I opened the box.

Inside was a simple silver necklace with a tiny teddy bear charm on it.

“I saw it and thought of you,” he said. “Of the night you came home with the teddy bears, and everything fell apart. And how, somehow, we put it all back together again. Better than it was before.”

He reached across the counter and covered my hand with his.

“I’m not asking you to marry me again,” he said. “I’m not asking for anything tonight. I just wanted you to know… I’m here. For you. For Louisa. For whatever you need. For as long as you’ll have me.”

I looked at the necklace.

I looked at him.

I thought about the night he’d slapped me? No—Walter had slapped me. Elmer had chosen his family. But he’d spent every single day since then making up for it. Showing up. Listening. Changing.

I thought about Louisa, asleep on the couch, happy and safe and loved.

I thought about what she’d whispered to me a week before, when we were planting seeds in the backyard:

“Mommy? Can we have happy days forever now?”

I squeezed Elmer’s hand.

“One step at a time,” I said.

May you like

He smiled.

“One step at a time is perfect.”

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